Fire at Will!

BAD TRACK RECORDS!

Sarcastic, facetious and downright vicious lyrics, satire, parody and irreverent comment, tosh, twaddle and opinionated verbiage from the townships of East Sussex by artistic layabout Colin Bailey

SARCASTIC, FACETIOUS AND VICIOUS LYRICS, SATIRE, PARODY AND IRREVERENT COMMENT, TOSH, TWADDLE AND OPINIONATED VERBIAGE FROM THE TOWNSHIPS OF EAST SUSSEX BY ARTISTIC LAYABOUT COLIN BAILEY

BREAKING THE NEWS!

BROKEN NEWS:

Arms and the Mann

One Prat to Rule them All

SONG PARODIES

Golden Brown - The Stranglers

GOOD RIDDANCE

Good Riddance - Green Day

THE GIRL WITH EMPHYSEMA

The Girl from Ipanema

THE TIMES THEY ARE UNSHAVEN

Times they are a changing - Bob Dylan

THESE CRUELISH THINGS

These foolish things

DON’T TRY AND GIVE ME THE WATCHTOWER

All Along the Watchtower - Bob Dylan

GUANTANAMO

Hurricane - Bob Dylan

I WANT TO PAY TO BE A KNIGHT

All Day and All of the Night - The Kinks

THE FIRST MUTT IS THE CHEAPEST

First cut is the deepest - Cat Stevens

DA DO ENRON

Da do Ron Ron

LYRICS

LESSONS OF MASS CONSTRUCTION

LOCK 'EM UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEATS

WHEN WILL WE EVER LEARN

YOU DON’T WANT…

OBLIGATORY BLOG

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Sorry

As anyone who as watched the film Zulu will recall; the first Zulu to be shot at Rourke's Drift was called Will.. No doubt this was uppermost in the minds of British intelligence when deciding on which Royal to send out to Afghanistan to "do their bit".

There was a time when any self respecting King or Prince would jump at the chance to get out the shiny armour, polish up the crown and lead his troops to victory. Occasionally this would backfire and bloody be-crowned heads would be waved about embarrassingly on the field of battle - but generally capturing visiting celebrities alive was far more lucrative and no doubt more dignified. In the absence of widespread media coverage nothing could up the profile of an un charismatic monarch quite as much as a loyal peasantry being forced to tighten their belts at home in order to raise the necessary ransom for his return, A few months being wined and dined as an honoured guest of the triumphant victor and then back home to cheering crowds and a heroes welcome. Of course one had to be pick one's enemies - the further one travelled away from the civilised playing fields the less likely it would be that the game would be played properly. Which brings me to The Crusades ( first blood part I ); Being chained to dungeon wall for dozens of years only to find your brother on the throne and the local forest awash with outlaws came as a bit of a shock to Richard the Lionheart. But then he kept the Lionheart bit - not Richard Who? or Richard the Unshaven, or Dungeon Dick.

"Leaders of armies have better things to do than fire at each other!" Wellington says in the 1970 film Waterloo, as Napoleon comes into range on the hill opposite. Possibly a better solution would be the exact opposite - Let the leaders get on with it whilst the rest go home and watch it on telly.

Of course its all a bit different now. No big set-piece battles with carefully choreographed squares and columns of colourful cheering troops gleefully lopping bits off each other to the stern approval of distant mounted commanders. From the most important medal bedecked general to the grunt peeling potatoes - now all are fair game.

To his credit Harry took his chances and has returned safely. Whether this was one individual doing his duty, a morale boosting propaganda exercise or just an old fashioned British cock-up is up for discussion in every pub in the country. Should we have known? did the Taliban know? and who else is out there?. Not to Imagine the embarrassment of the establishment if the ginger haired little scamp had been captured and we had been forced into clandestine negotiations with the Americans for the release of half of Guantanamo in exchange!

But then let's have some real fun... Round up all the politicians who supported this/these wars and give them each a tour of duty. (preferably in a bright red uniform with the strategically crossed white belt that the Boers found such sport) and while we're at it let’s re-name them all Will.....

FIRE AT WILL!

Prince Harry was allegedly unimpressed with British Army equipment in Afghanistan

PRINCE HARRY IN AFGHANISTAN MARCH 2008